Taking a leap

22 05 2010

It’s been an interesting couple of weeks… or months, depending on where you want to draw the line. I’m looking forward to the next few, and dreading them at the same time, because I’m leaving one job and starting another one.

Overall its a good thing, because the job I’m leaving isn’t very good, so the idea of soon not having to go to it every day is a bonus. And I’m going to take a couple of weeks of sneaky leave in between, and catch up on my knitting and gardening and pottering around and reading and writing and yoga and cooking. I can’t wait.

It’s been interesting to watch how this has played out. The universe has been sending me messages for a while. Let’s see. There was the neck thing. My eyes packed it in from too many hours staring at the computer, and I couldn’t wear contact lenses anymore. My stomach has been on fire for a while, and not from the copious amounts of chilli the Architect puts in his red curry. And every Sunday afternoon, I get so anxious and cranky at the thought of work that there is inevitably a fight.

I’m not an idiot. I don’t ignore things like that. I added up the bad things, laid them against the good things, and realised that it wasn’t clear cut. There’s things, even now, with my resignation letter open on another page,  that I simply love about the job. Things would be bad bad bad, and then an amazing moment of good which would bring hope surging up and make me think that if I just persevered, just pushed through somehow, it would all start to flow. So I said to my neck, my eyes, my stomach, my deteriorating relationship, hang in there for a little longer. This could be amazing, this could be a vocation, if only we can survive this bit.

And then a few things in the last couple of weeks made me realise it was never going to happen. Or at least, not in the next three years. It got simple then.

One. Three years is too long to just survive.

Two. I am leaving.

The part that surprised me is how objective and calm I’ve been able to be about it. No wailing or gnashing of teeth. No tears or rages.

Well, maybe a couple of tears.

Reading this post about burnout and learning your limits made me realise that each time I do this I get better at it. Three years ago, even a year ago, I don’t think I would have been this clear about what I need and expect and how far I am willing to push. So you know what? Right now I’m disappointed and nervous and wishing the next month away. But this has been a positive experience. I’ve examined and named those parts were that were so satisfying and joyful that I put up with the bad to have the chance to do them. I’ve gone to my edge and come back and am still in one piece. So now I know what to chase and how far to chase it.

And off I leap into the next thing.

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3 responses

22 05 2010
k

So does that mean you got the job??

31 05 2010
slowfeet2

Commiserations, congratulations and good luck. Our thoughts and our crossed fingers are with you.

6 06 2010
sherdie

Thanks!

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